“But: I was worried I wouldn't be as good a lover if my equipment shrank.”īarrett isn’t alone in the fear that taking steps to embrace her true self might make her a less desirable and less competent sex partner. “There is, perhaps, a more sophisticated way to put this,” she says. "I was scared I might just not want to have sex," or equally troublingly, that “I wouldn't be able to have sex at all (or at least not without help from drugs like Viagra).” There was also the fear that, even if estrogen didn’t impact her ability to get erect, its atrophying effect on her genitals might render her a less satisfying partner in bed. “The common wisdom is that ‘less testosterone equals less sex drive,’” Barrett says. But it did give her the freedom to begin taking estrogen, a possibility that filled her with a mixture of excitement and dread. “My girlfriend was the first person I ever came out to, and it was years before I told anyone else,” she notes. Exploring sex as transition changes your sense of who you are can be a fraught experience - one as terrifying as it is exciting.īarrett’s public announcement didn’t dramatically alter her romantic life. Yet even without a surgical procedure, transition can alter the experience of sex in physical, mental, and emotional ways. “Things aren’t as perfect as you expect them to be.” This reality can ring true for virtually any highly anticipated initial sex experience.īottom surgery can create a dramatic demarcation between sex pre- and post-transition, with the creation of an entirely new intimate body part that offers access to a radically different landscape of sexual experiences. “When you imbue so much significance into something… it’s often a let down or a disappointment,” Hammond says. Hammond notes that early on, a vagina can feel more like “a weird stoma” than an erotic part of the body, and even under the best of circumstances, trans vaginas aren’t as pliable or stretchy as their cis counterparts. Without dilation, a new vagina can lose depth or width, but the process can be painful and difficult to get used to, as well as a jarring reminder that there’s more to bottom surgery than just the surgery itself. Post-op trans women are encouraged to adhere to a regular regimen of dilation, a process that involves inserting a stent into the vagina for an extended period of time. They also require some amount of maintenance. And the logistics of post-surgery sex - doctors suggest waiting three to six months, and sometimes longer, to test out one’s new genitals - can amp up the anticipation.īut new vaginas can be painful, unwieldy, and sometimes confusing. “Having bottom surgery can be a big goal for a lot of people,” she tells me. Yet as much as she appreciates her vagina, Hammond thinks there’s a danger to putting too much emphasis on first sex after bottom surgery. “You don’t have to contend with the cotton ceiling,” Hammond tells me, referencing a phrase used to describe cis women who reject non-op trans partners. “I think probably more significant for hetero trans women than it is for queer trans women,” Hammond tells me, noting that some trans narratives of virginity loss still follow the cishet archetype, imbuing penetration by flesh penises with a mystical, magical power.įor Hammond, a queer woman who’s had partners of a variety of genders, the bigger appeal is the way that having a vagina makes it easier for her to navigate sex with less trans-competent partners, and allows for a wider range of potential partners, even within the queer community. And, of course, women who pursue bottom surgery emerge with a body part that more readily aligns with age-old ideas of the loss of feminine virginity.īut how do these heady concepts of purity and deflowering translate into the real world experience of post-transition sex? Like so many aspects of sexuality and identity, it depends on the individual. Hormones can lead to a shift in the experience of arousal and orgasm, dramatically altering what sex feels like and how it unfolds. For those who medically transition, there are other factors to consider. No matter what your transition looks like, presenting as a woman can radically alter the way your partners treat you.
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